LWE 17: 2020 Hindsight Pt 1

It was to be a landmark year and it started off well enough then it all came crashing down and years from now we will look back and say ‘I survived 2020’. At least those of us who did survive it will say so.

Many haven’t. As I write this, over 1.8 million didn’t make it past the year, 500 of whom were Malaysians. The vaccines are still months away for most so these counters won’t stop ticking over for some time yet. Perhaps at this time next year there will be quite a few people still who will say ‘I survived 2021’. 

Casting my eyes back though, and ignoring for a moment the metaphorical mass of the pandemic continuing to gallop along in a deadly chase, I do see that collectively as a people we have actually progressed. If nothing else, the crisis has exposed many flaws, lies and misconceptions, and stripped bare many images we have had of ourselves and the people around us.

America has probably been the most surprising - oh how the mighty have fallen!. That shining beacon of freedom and liberation denuded to reveal a framework of insatiable greed and shameless selfishness. Decades of Hollywood-fed images of bravado and derring-do cast aside as people could not only not survive a nuclear holocaust in their personal bunkers, they could not even handle breathing through a few thin layers of fabric.

OK, others much more eloquent than I have written about all that, so let me not walk in the shadow of those giants but instead trudge through a field of my own memories and pick out some of the things I have learnt, highlight some of the events that were significant, and mention some of the people who have made an impact on me in the last 12 months.

Here are some of my more significant memories of 2020.

A Different Chinese New Year

We decided to go down to Singapore for this new year. Mei’s dad was getting on and we thought it would be good if we spent this one with him. And we did, and had a great time. Mark, Megan and Michael were with us too - Megan being the big and very happy surprise as I had not seen my daughter in 2 or 3 years. 

The first day of Chinese New Year was unforgettable. Not only were we, and Mei’s siblings and their families there, but for the first time in many years other relatives turned up all at the same time so we could even grab a huge family picture.

The old guy was visibly happy and that was very nice to see.

It was the last time we saw him in person as he became very ill just a few months later, had an operation, failed to recover well, and then was gone.

We could not travel down due to the travel restrictions. At the time both countries required a 14-day home quarantine and we had no suitable place in Singapore, and Mei would not have been given permission to return to Malaysia anyway. So we could not be near as he went for his op, and could not even attend the wake and funeral. We instead had to make do with pictures sent by Mark and Michael who attended and were kind enough to think of us and to send us our only visual link with the proceedings.

The last holiday of the year, at the beginning of the year.

Well, OK maybe it wasn’t quite the last one but it was a big one. My Australian nephew Ashley got himself married in February and they had a Malaysian do as well as their Aussie one, as his wife CY had some family connections here. So the whole lot of them turned up in KL just as some of us did in Sydney the year before for niece Charmaine’s wedding. 

My brother Joe and his wife Hilda also trooped up to Penang to spend a few days here afterwards, as did my aunt Marianne (we call her Lai Koo as she’s the youngest sister of my late father) and my sister Margaret. Mei and I were thus busy running around taking them to see some sights, eat various local dishes and generally have a good time.

Mei and I had been in KL for the wedding and we drove back to Penang with Lai Koo and Margaret. The two ladies were pretty excited at the prospect of a ‘Road Trip’ even if it only took a few hours. And of course Mei and I were happy to play host in Penang. 

I’ve always been rather fond of my father’s youngest sister, and also of my own eldest sibling of course. The two are separated in years by just a little more than Margaret and I are, actually. And we all 3 share an artistic streak. Lai Koo and Margaret are both into quilting and were responsible for the beautiful and meaningful quilt I received in KL. This amazing piece was made from clothes worn by, or just material used by, my father, my mother, my aunts Marianne (Lai Koo) and Helene, my nieces Meilian and Melanie and Margaret herself too. The batik backing is from Lai Koo and the binding (the trimming piece) bicycle pattern was a brilliant personal touch. 

It’s not often that I receive such a deeply meaningful and personal gift and I was - and still am - very grateful indeed for the many hours of work that went into this. 

Taking family around, on the other hand, has never been hard work. Indeed it was an immense pleasure and I enjoyed not just taking Lai Koo and Margaret around but also getting to know my aunt a little better.

A few short weeks later, the Movement Control Order came into play and we were all stuck at our respective homes and Margaret had gone back to hers in Switzerland. Lai Koo was back in KL and at one point stressed out because her grandson was suspected of having contracted Covid-19. An anxious few days followed before it turned out the test had returned a false positive and the young man was cleared. During those few days though, Lai Koo and I were exchanging messages regularly and it was nice to be able to offer some comfort in difficult times.

Isn’t that one of the things family is supposed to be there for?

A letter to my NS-bound son: I wish you wisdom and strength.

My dearest Mark,

You will be going in to your national service in a short while and I wish I could be there to send you off. Alas this project I am on overseas means we can’t do the father-son driving holiday we were planning for before you enlist.

In the almost 19 years since I became a father, there have been many decisions which were made after deliberating carefully what was good for you and your siblings. Some ultimately proved to be sound ones and others perhaps not so successful, but they were all made with the intention to bring you all up with the right sort of values and moral outlook on life.

This short driving holiday was to have been a great bonding time, the last before you go through what Singaporeans regard as a rite of passage for men. I don’t necessarily agree with all the machismo and so on that comes with that idea, nor with the duration of the whole exercise, but I do accept the part it plays in Singaporean society.

However, this is not a discussion on what’s right or wrong about the National Service.

It is really about the conversations we would have had had we been able to take that holiday. Life is often defined by conversations at critical moments in our lives so let me be take the opportunity from thousands of kilometres away to explore these conversations right here.  It may prove to be a rather one-sided chat and we would be lacking the locale, the beers, the exhausting exploration that goes with holidays, the discovery of hidden treasures and so on, but I think you will understand the motivation and perhaps have a taste of the passion and emotion.

Stand Up for what you believe in
I come from a family that’s never been afraid to stand up for something we believe in. Years ago, your grandmother sat for days in the hot afternoon sun on the median along Jalan Gasing, protesting against the sexually-discriminating practice of paying women teachers less than their male counterparts. As a result, she was sacked and lost many years of service on her record and suffered a drop in her pension. But they finally got their demands met.

Many years later she manned a petition booth at the bottom of Gasing Hill to protest the development of what was supposed to be a green lung for PJ. This time they lost and the condo was built where it still stands today , in my opinion a blight on the landscape.

More recently, she and your Aunty Rosemary became the centre of action when there was a water shortage in Section 5 PJ, with press conferences being called in our family home and the Member of Parliament calling her almost daily to check on the water situation.

In the late 80s, one of your uncles was in the forefront of providing assistance to families of ISA detainees and I provided what little help I could, designing logos and TShirts, taking photos at events and so on. Helping the innocent families who had been torn apart by this draconian and unjust law was just a little thing, but to the families I’m sure it meant more.

Your Uncle Gerard has also made it his life to work for certain causes - he did research in water and resource management along the Mekong, and worked for the UN helping East Timor transition to an independent democracy and more recently has been working on combating AIDs and other communicable diseases in Indonesia.

So, you come from a line of people who perhaps never reached the pinnacle of visibility, but have always tried to live up to certain standards set by your grandparents. It’s not always an easy task, nor a rewarding one (though Gerard does have a nice apartment in a nice part of Jakarta, paid for by the Australian Government!) but it is a satisfying one.

I have confidence in the set of values you have been brought up with and developed on your own. You have always shown yourself to be a good, well-meaning young man and I therefore urge you to live up to those values when you can and when you are asked to. You may not need to do the stuff your grandparents, uncles or even I have done (what little I have) - but I hope you will find your own thoughts and actions through which you can make a stand and push an agenda to improve the lot of people around you. And it all starts with not backing away from the opportunity, and with standing up when those values are challenged.

Sometimes it won’t be easy - and I pray that you will have the wisdom to discern what is right and what needs to be done, and the strength to then do it. Whatever the occasion.

Understand and Embrace failure
We won’t always win. That is the hard truth. There will be things we set out to do which we will fail to accomplish despite our best efforts.

That’s OK. As long as at the end, we can look at things and say, I really did try my best, within the range of things I would ethically do. That last little qualifier is important, I think, as sometimes victories can be won at the expense of our values or beliefs. Whether it’s shifting the blame to someone else, or betraying someone’s trust in order to achieve some goal, I think it’s just not worth it. Through it all, it’s important to be true to your values.

Failure comes in many forms and can be relative to the circumstances. It cannot be measured in certain and absolute terms. Financial richness doesn’t necessarily equate success, for example, as it may simply be balanced out by a gaping hole in other aspects of life. The reverse applies too - that failure isn’t always what it seems.

You’re a creative person and that should ring some alarm bells in this area. For to be a creative person is to shift your values in a direction not many take or appreciate. It may be more important at some point in your life to be true to creative principles and eschew financial reward. Who is to say down which road lies success? Or failure?

There isn’t a clear guide book, an Idiot’s Guide to Failure or whatever. At some forks in our lives when we have to make a critical decision, it may not even be clear then that that is a critical decision with far-reaching consequences. It isn’t that important. What is important is that when we have to make a decision and on one side is lined up our values and ethics and the other is lined up the accoutrements of ‘success’, I hope you will choose the former.

For on the latter side lies momentary gratification. And nothing much else.

Remember I just said there is no clear guide book? Well, there isn’t even always a clear line that divides either side. So here again, I wish you the wisdom to discern and the strength to then stick to your principles.

Remember family. Remember friends.
You’re not really going away. You’re not moving overseas for a few years or something like that. You’ll just be gone for a few months then hopefully we’ll see you every day or every weekend. What you will leave behind is the last vestiges of your teenage life. This experience will change you in many ways, there is no denying that.

You will make new friends, some of whom you will keep for the rest of your life. You will cement some of those relationships with experiences so strong and vivid and life-changing that for years from now, you will recall them with absolute clarity - or hilarity in many cases.

Wherever your life takes you, just remember your family. Remember your friends. Keep both close to your heart where their relationships can warm you.

You never know when a member of your family or your circle of friends will be able to make that little difference in some struggle you may be having. And you never know when you might be that little difference in their life. Either way, do not be afraid to seek help, nor to render it.

That old saying ‘No man is an island’ is absolutely true - and you just heard this from ‘an anti-social b*****d’! Well, that’s what your quiet, pensive father now regards as his personality type! What I’m saying is that you are also defined by the people around you. You may be the trunk, but they are the branches that shape the tree.

And they require work. You need to put in the effort at maintaining relationships. And in this day and age nothing could be simpler. The range of tools at your disposal are phenomenal. You have email, instant messaging, online greeting cards, blogs, Facebook, Twitter, SMS, phone calls… You never know when you could make a difference in someone’s life or when they could, in yours.

I once received a call from a distraught friend whose wife had just committed suicide. He called form thousands of miles away, reaching out to a friend he’d not seen in years. To this day I am not even sure why he reached out to me. But he did. And the time we spent on the phone made a difference in his life, just as it changed mine.

More recently I was called by someone who reached the end of his tether and was contemplating ending it all. An hour later he was more settled and his problems have faded away somewhat - not like our friendship which is even stronger.

In less dramatic circumstances, your cousin Joanna will be moving to Australia soon for her university studies. A few weeks later, her cousin Charmaine will swing by Canberra from where she lives in Sydney, just to check on her and make sure she is OK. I remember how lonely I sometimes was when I moved to Sydney years ago and it was great to have my brother Joe, Charmaine’s dad, there for me. It’s so immensely gratifying to see his daughter extending the same courtesy to another member of the family.

Remember family. Remember friends.

And so here I have to end.

There is more to write, but I think I will let you absorb this lot first. After all, life is an ongoing experience and if you lived some of what  I wrote above, we will have many opportunities to explore it together.

In the meantime, I wish you wisdom and strength - two of the most important attributes a person could ever ask for.

Be well, my dear son. And be wise and strong.

With love,
your Dad

Bucket List Part 2

Is your life just a short measure?

“You measure yourself by the people who measure themselves by you.”

I love this line. We often talk about measuring up to others, or being unfairly measured by some - usually our parents. Well, here is a way to work out if we lead lives that ultimately ‘Bring Joy To Others’.

Look at the people who look up to you. What sort of people are they? What values do they espouse? What, in the greater scheme of things, difference do they make to the world around them?

Come to think of it,
what difference do you make to the world around you?

I did a quick audit, had a brief check-through of my friends and family, ascertained (thankfully) that quite probably at least a few of them do indeed look up to me, and then tried to answer those few questions above.

Perhaps I have been lucky, or maybe I have indeed chosen wisely, for the people I have included in my list are on the whole, a bunch of people I would measure myself against most readily. I may not reach their heights, but I have certainly tried to emulate their integrity, their openness, their dedication to family and friends, their living commitment to those around them. I recognise too their frailties, just as I have begun to accept my own.

I think we would do well to occasionally look around us at the people who have chosen to be close to us and who see us as mentors or role models and try to see what it is within them that has drawn them to us. In there will be a tiny picture of ourselves and a good way to work out if we are indeed worthy of their measure.


And in the end…


“When he died, his eyes were closed and his heart was open”

I think back to my father who died twenty-two years ago after an all-too-short struggle with lung cancer. I was there when we heard he had cancer but I wasn’t when he went through the gamut of emotions that are companions of one’s final journey. He died four months after we found out, and two months before I could defer my overseas studies to come home and spend some time with him.

It cut me up to not have been by his side, and more, to not have had the experience of a man-to-man relationship with him in my 21st year.

But I take away more than a slice of respect for the man I loved. A month or so after he’d finally realised there was no hope, he said to the parish priest who’d dropped by one day ‘You know, I am at peace, and I can go. Any time.’

This was a man who’d done much, and seen much. Not in a materialistic way though for that was not his way, just as it is not mine. The things he’d done connected him to nature and to people. Perhaps a little anecdote would explain the kind of man he was:

Dad used to take the boys on a drive to the East Coast every year or so when we were kids. In those days it was a 12-hour ride and we stopped frequently. Once, we took a little detour near the hilly Bentong Pass. This side trip took us down into a valley and bypassed the slow timber-lorry filled Bentong Pass, at least for a few miles.

We stopped by a road-side stall to buy some fruit and when I looked up at a hill nearby where the new highway was being built, I spied two men on scooters pointing down at our car. They mounted their bikes, roared off then reappeared some moments later on the little village road we were on. They came speeding up, stopped, jumped off and greeted my Dad warmly ‘Uncle Cheong!’. Here in the middle of the country, miles from any town, were two men who’d met my Dad, become friends and who rushed to meet him when they spied his green Peugeot 404 stopped by the road.

That was Dad - a simple chap who never made a pile of money, but made heaps of friends.

And when he died, yes, his eyes were closed but his heart was indeed open. It always had been.

So, after the movie ended and I’d wiped away my tears - yes, yes, I can be immensely sentimental and a real softie - I picked up my errr laptop and started on these two blog posts.

And a bucket list.

But this one’s different. No, I have no intention of dying anytime soon and this list is not for a dying man. This list is for a living man. To keep him on track and to make sure he lives a full, rewarding life. One that would help me answer ‘Yes’ if indeed I am asked
“Have you found joy in your life?
Has your life brought joy to others?”

Maybe you’d like to do the same?

What NOT to do as a good parent

This was a song I first heard in the 80s and when I became a father for the first time, it guided my actions and decisions.

I like to think I’ve done a reasonable father’s job and I think the bits I’ve done well are due in no small measure to the idea of being there for your kids. The bits I’ve sucked at are another matter entirely…
Meanwhile, I think it would be good to remember Harry Chapin’s wise words on what NOT to do:

Cat’s in The Cradle
by Sandy and Harry Chapin

My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talkin' 'fore I knew it, and as he grew
He'd say "I'm gonna be like you dad
You know I'm gonna be like you"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home dad?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then

My son turned ten just the other day
He said, "Thanks for the ball, Dad, come on let's play
Can you teach me to throw", I said "Not today
I got a lot to do", he said, "That's ok"
And he walked away but his smile never dimmed
And said, "I'm gonna be like him, yeah
You know I'm gonna be like him"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then

Well, he came home from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say
"Son, I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while?"
He shook his head and said with a smile
"What I'd really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later, can I have them please?"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then

I've long since retired, my son's moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind"
He said, "I'd love to, Dad, if I can find the time
You see my new job's a hassle and kids have the flu
But it's sure nice talking to you, Dad
It's been sure nice talking to you"

And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me
My boy was just like me

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then Dad
You know we'll have a good time then