LWE 18: Sibling Birthdays: October

LWE 18: Sibling Birthdays - October 

In 2019 I did a series of blog posts on my siblings, coinciding with their birthdays. I wrote about each in turn from March through September. I did miss one out though, my eldest sibling, my sister Margaret whose birthday it is today as I write this. 

To be honest, I got a little stuck with getting some words down and eventually I gave up altogether, leaving in the draft of this post a few scribbled lines and nothing very much else. Many months later, Margaret and I were chatting and the series was mentioned and it was Margaret who made the comment that when she left for England I was only 4 and thus we didn’t have so many years of shared memories together on which to write.

Or do we?

In a way, Margaret was the sibling I perhaps knew the least about, and yet felt the most connected to in many ways. We’re the farthest apart in age, and yet in many ways we’re the most similar.

Margaret left to do nursing in London when I wasn’t even yet 5. I have a smattering of memories from that time - of her long hair, a laughing voice, some singing. You know how it is when you are just a little more than a toddler and there is a seemingly larger-than-life character in the house, someone whose energy you somehow feel even if you don’t understand it?

Margaret was that. It was the 60s after all, bell bottoms and miniskirts, floral prints, music… and though I didn’t know anything about it all, even then there was something about my eldest sister that I found enthralling. 

International travel in those days was expensive and my parents sent their kids off to study, paid their fees and some of their living expenses and didn’t have any left over for their holidays home, so it was unusual that I got to see Margaret again about 3 years later when she returned for a holiday. My poor sister was terribly homesick and Dad and Mum scraped together the money for a ticket back and this turned out to be a good thing too for Margaret could see our grandmother one last time before Ma-ma passed away a few months later.

This was 1972 and I had just started schooling and although I have a few pictures of us from that time, the memories I carry in my head remain vague. 

Margaret before she left for London in 1969.

Margaret and I in 1972.

A couple of years later, and our world had changed dramatically. Margaret was now married to Ruedi Grünenfelder and living in Switzerland. The first of our siblings to be married, and to a charming chap who melted all our hearts. Not long after, I had my first niece, Meilian who is only 9 years younger than me.

As I grew older, my connection to Margaret grew closer. She wrote copiously and I know I replied though probably at a lesser rate. Being a pack rat, I have kept many of the letters, cards and postcards she sent and in this picture you can see that wherever I was - Drummoyne or Coogee in Sydney, Clementi, Geylang, Siglap or Bedok in Singapore or at home in PJ, and more recently here in Penang - my big sister kept in touch.

The more eagle-eyed among you will spot the myriad of addresses I have had in 3 countries.

I have kept many letters from family and friends and most share some space in little folders in a shelf. Margaret’s, though, share with no one - they fill a whole folder on her own and sometimes I dig up one or two and remind myself of the person I was then.

Letters are that, aren’t they? Little compact time capsules from the past which you can open and relive any time you want. And they don’t just remind you of the correspondent who wrote to you, but also of the person you were that was worthy of a missive, handwritten, sealed in an envelope and posted from miles away. 

Beyond letters though, Margaret also sent things. One of the earliest things she sent me was a colourful paper advent calendar whose windows I opened without really understanding what they were, knowing only that this multicolour, patterned and illustrated piece was fascinating.

We also used to get parcels shipped from Switzerland, loaded with goodies among which were Swiss Torte which we all loved. She also sent books. At one point she asked me what I was reading and though I was only 12 or 13, I remember replying that I was reading Solzhenitsyn - I had just read and enjoyed One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovitch. So in the next parcel I received copies of Cancer Ward, Stories and Prose Poems and The Gulag Archipelago all of which I devoured. Indeed these parcels were magical brown cardboard packages containing valuable gifts, sealed with tape and bearing the notices, stamps and marks of a foreign land. 

Margaret was always a very creative person. She’d studied the piano when young and over the years turned to art and craft. She painted, sewed and quilted. And as I moved into the commercial arts, our paths grew even closer and we had more to share.

The most beautiful and amazing gift I have ever received. This quilt was made by Margaret and our Aunt Marianne and it is made from clothes and other material worn by people in our lives including my father.

It has a nice personal touch too.

And when she and Ruedi went their separate ways some years ago, our life journeys converged even more.  And this is when I began to realise that we were after all, very similar people. Strongly motivated to help others, a little set in our ways, very supportive of friends and family, and also led by our emotions. Both of us have kept to the Cheong tradition of not being able to keep quiet when we see that things are not right. Age may have taken the edge off that last attribute though I think… thankfully.

Divorce is not an easy process. One can divorce oneself of the encumbrance of an energy-sapping relationship but it is not so easy to divest of the emotional investment we have put in and it was because of this that Margaret and I had many conversations and exchanges. We almost always climb out of the holes we find ourselves in and often this process is helped by caring friends and family so as I had done, so too did Margaret.

Not long after I got married again, Margaret, Mei and I went on holiday to Hanoi where my good friend Ray lives. It was the first time in a long time that my eldest sister and I had been on a holiday at the same time and place and the first time we had actually gone together. It was a completely enjoyable holiday, one where we both discovered that despite our apparent intractable personalities, we were both rather easy going in many ways. 

Margaret and Mei shopping in Hanoi.

Braving the chaotic traffic to cross the street in Hanoi.

Sitting down to dinner.

Walking down past one of the many lakes in Hanoi.

More shopping in Hanoi.

Mei and I visited Margaret in Switzerland a few years after that and we did a whirlwind few days where we did or saw all the stereotypes. On one particular day, we took a bus, a train and a ferry, walked up a mountain, heard and saw alphorns and cows with bells and generally just had a lovely time with family we loved and felt completely and utterly comfortable spending time with. 

With my nieces Melanie and Meilian.

On our hike up a mountain, with Maurus (Melanie's then boyfriend) and Meilian.

Don't ask me why we were all pulling faces - it seemed like a good idea at the time.

In 2015, Margaret did the reverse and visited me in my new home here in Penang. I was going through a bit of a funk and though we had a lovely time, she also was a listening ear just as she had been 15 years earlier, though under different circumstances.

In between those trips, we did see each other very often, even in Singapore. Our mother’s health was deteriorating, her body and mind ravaged by Parkinson’s and Dementia, even as her spirit remained strong. Margaret made frequent trips to KL where she brought her nursing and geriatric care experience to bear, helping take some of the pressure off our sister Rosemary and her family who were Mum’s primary healthcare providers.

With Rosemary and Mum in PJ.

Visiting us in Singapore. This is in the Bussorah Street area.

Tucking into a hearty Big Breakfast at my Pedal Cafe in Penang.

Chinese New Year in PJ.

With Tessie and our sister in law, Hilda. Again, I have no idea why Margaret was pulling a funny face. Her Cheong blood I guess...

My eldest sister recently became a grandmother and we get videos and pictures of her and little Ines. And this is probably where she and I differ the most - I must admit I am hopeless with babies and toddlers. Yes I know I have 3 kids… Margaret, on the other hand is the doting grandmother through and through, with oodles of patience and love. 

Thinking about it, this is Margaret. Though often sociable and loud in that very Cheong way, she can also be quiet and pensive. She is caring for others yet also protective of her own wellbeing. Creative yet also happy to indulge in the creativity of others. Through it all though, Margaret has always been there for all of us. All of us in the family have a story of how Margaret has reached out to us and smoothened our rough waters, none more so than me.

And it is on this note that I wish my sister a truly Happy Birthday. If each day of her coming year were filled with even a tiny bit of the love and care she has heaped on us through the years, it will be a very happy year indeed.

LWE 17: 2020 Hindsight Pt 1

It was to be a landmark year and it started off well enough then it all came crashing down and years from now we will look back and say ‘I survived 2020’. At least those of us who did survive it will say so.

Many haven’t. As I write this, over 1.8 million didn’t make it past the year, 500 of whom were Malaysians. The vaccines are still months away for most so these counters won’t stop ticking over for some time yet. Perhaps at this time next year there will be quite a few people still who will say ‘I survived 2021’. 

Casting my eyes back though, and ignoring for a moment the metaphorical mass of the pandemic continuing to gallop along in a deadly chase, I do see that collectively as a people we have actually progressed. If nothing else, the crisis has exposed many flaws, lies and misconceptions, and stripped bare many images we have had of ourselves and the people around us.

America has probably been the most surprising - oh how the mighty have fallen!. That shining beacon of freedom and liberation denuded to reveal a framework of insatiable greed and shameless selfishness. Decades of Hollywood-fed images of bravado and derring-do cast aside as people could not only not survive a nuclear holocaust in their personal bunkers, they could not even handle breathing through a few thin layers of fabric.

OK, others much more eloquent than I have written about all that, so let me not walk in the shadow of those giants but instead trudge through a field of my own memories and pick out some of the things I have learnt, highlight some of the events that were significant, and mention some of the people who have made an impact on me in the last 12 months.

Here are some of my more significant memories of 2020.

A Different Chinese New Year

We decided to go down to Singapore for this new year. Mei’s dad was getting on and we thought it would be good if we spent this one with him. And we did, and had a great time. Mark, Megan and Michael were with us too - Megan being the big and very happy surprise as I had not seen my daughter in 2 or 3 years. 

The first day of Chinese New Year was unforgettable. Not only were we, and Mei’s siblings and their families there, but for the first time in many years other relatives turned up all at the same time so we could even grab a huge family picture.

The old guy was visibly happy and that was very nice to see.

It was the last time we saw him in person as he became very ill just a few months later, had an operation, failed to recover well, and then was gone.

We could not travel down due to the travel restrictions. At the time both countries required a 14-day home quarantine and we had no suitable place in Singapore, and Mei would not have been given permission to return to Malaysia anyway. So we could not be near as he went for his op, and could not even attend the wake and funeral. We instead had to make do with pictures sent by Mark and Michael who attended and were kind enough to think of us and to send us our only visual link with the proceedings.

The last holiday of the year, at the beginning of the year.

Well, OK maybe it wasn’t quite the last one but it was a big one. My Australian nephew Ashley got himself married in February and they had a Malaysian do as well as their Aussie one, as his wife CY had some family connections here. So the whole lot of them turned up in KL just as some of us did in Sydney the year before for niece Charmaine’s wedding. 

My brother Joe and his wife Hilda also trooped up to Penang to spend a few days here afterwards, as did my aunt Marianne (we call her Lai Koo as she’s the youngest sister of my late father) and my sister Margaret. Mei and I were thus busy running around taking them to see some sights, eat various local dishes and generally have a good time.

Mei and I had been in KL for the wedding and we drove back to Penang with Lai Koo and Margaret. The two ladies were pretty excited at the prospect of a ‘Road Trip’ even if it only took a few hours. And of course Mei and I were happy to play host in Penang. 

I’ve always been rather fond of my father’s youngest sister, and also of my own eldest sibling of course. The two are separated in years by just a little more than Margaret and I are, actually. And we all 3 share an artistic streak. Lai Koo and Margaret are both into quilting and were responsible for the beautiful and meaningful quilt I received in KL. This amazing piece was made from clothes worn by, or just material used by, my father, my mother, my aunts Marianne (Lai Koo) and Helene, my nieces Meilian and Melanie and Margaret herself too. The batik backing is from Lai Koo and the binding (the trimming piece) bicycle pattern was a brilliant personal touch. 

It’s not often that I receive such a deeply meaningful and personal gift and I was - and still am - very grateful indeed for the many hours of work that went into this. 

Taking family around, on the other hand, has never been hard work. Indeed it was an immense pleasure and I enjoyed not just taking Lai Koo and Margaret around but also getting to know my aunt a little better.

A few short weeks later, the Movement Control Order came into play and we were all stuck at our respective homes and Margaret had gone back to hers in Switzerland. Lai Koo was back in KL and at one point stressed out because her grandson was suspected of having contracted Covid-19. An anxious few days followed before it turned out the test had returned a false positive and the young man was cleared. During those few days though, Lai Koo and I were exchanging messages regularly and it was nice to be able to offer some comfort in difficult times.

Isn’t that one of the things family is supposed to be there for?